all — D·A·V

不斷從平凡生活當中的一切得到領悟與感動
給自己寫了許多解放心靈的私信
謝謝大家原諒我的魯莽接受我的直率
喜歡一起胡鬧、一起無聊、一起分憂談心
也喜歡自己沈默在憂傷、反省、鍛鍊、想像裡⋯

除了感恩還是感恩

我不斷的思考未來，回想過去 ⋯結論一直回到這兒—我們要面臨的是未知、是過錯、是迷惘⋯所以我們必須一直培養希望、勇氣、耐心，坦承的做自己，我堅信付出真誠與努力快樂的我們能夠得到真正的自由⋯

所以⋯

大膽的⋯夢想吧！學習⋯成長⋯寬恕

我會永遠愛著大家愛著自己

不會放棄的

不變的是你
我們都在不變的做好自己
雖然看得見你但是我也懂得
我們存在不同的空間裡
中間隔了無形的海
還記得嗎那傳說？
彩虹的另一端
有著我們最想要的東西
曾經的我冒險到夢境裡
踏著彩光穿越隔絕
那時候找到的竟然是
一個不變的你
夢醒了彩虹也消失了
一切都改變了
只有守留的回憶不變
不變的彩虹之戀
永存吧！奇蹟般的相遇
繼續為不斷來臨的未知努力
不變的是成長的你

♥瑪姬

填不滿的黑洞又找回了我
使命能否抵抗畏懼來淹沒
一首舊歌不停在腦海轉流
提醒也安撫喪失夢想的痛
一封守住的信藏起了難過
祈求寬恕一切胡思與懦弱
哭著對鏡面說請別放棄我
那堅強的女孩其實很寂寞

MADMAN

saturate my veins with liquor
until I have flammable innards
burn me alive from the inside
from my blood and organs

drench me in Scotch
but I am so afraid
of drowning
and of the thought

am but a madman
with the tunes that flow to my ears

am but a madman
with the silence that floods at my heart

I am mad because I am lost
and have lost you
only sane because I am saved
by tunes

tears, I’m torn
seeking
of sounds
drown
until death
undo these thoughts
‘til it’s done us
done us
apart

WRITTEN

we are being written
in this great story of humanity,
in a book called history.
within this story, we have our own journeys,
belong in unique dimensions

paths cross, pages overlap,
perspectives intwine, we vibe
or not

what I am in your story
is different than the I in mine
what you are in my story
is different from the you in yours

we are the sum of all the stories we have passed by
and of the passerby in our story

some come and go
some come and stay
sometimes we give
sometimes we take

I am nothing
and everything
I am nowhere
and everywhere

just be and love deep
set the pain,
the laughters free

孝
那境界
妳超越
呼吸著疲憊
心痛
永遠心疼著
獨自在邊緣
憂鬱焦慮失眠
拼命一輩子
還在拼命
打造了世界
手爛了
還看不見
這一切
需要多少勇氣
還感受不了
自己的心
多麼
多麼美
母親
也是個
女兒
也需要人
疼

惡夢醒來
被子下的身滿都是汗

沒有惡靈的嚇
沒有墜落的慌
沒有牙齒掉落
沒有失去什麼

那是什麼追趕我
我到底恐懼著什麼
是曾經？
還是未來
害怕自己
的好強
自己的
軟弱
沒有理由
的思念
存在也不存在
的她

告訴自己
起來走吧
面對
鏡裡的醜陋
那孩子的善良

走向當下
前往夢想
是惡夢
也是希望

-
夢魘的提醒， 2019/5/27

玄島上狂舞
覺醒的獸
與我在
天空裡那草原
奔跑找著
銀色瀑布
無止境的簾後那
果實園
島嶼中沈睡的
復活曲將被我喚醒
我在那裡
等待你

arise the skull
bleeding sands
from sockets
that once hosted
lonesome eyes

hungry children
dancing flies
slimming bodies
refusing to die

beautiful truths are born
from the ugliest dreams
art is not the darkness
it seems

be strange and stranger
but be not a stranger
I still miss her
desperately loving
a lost lover

history is made
when we let the past be past
when we are thankful
for what once was

let me carry you
to the freedom
that is your own voice
one day we will
see us in them
and hear them
in us

開心
就是將
心房打開
給在流浪的愛
一個歇息的地方
也許傷害
或失去
會悄悄進入
但也是因為
它們也
需要點
溫暖

我跟隨了
奪走我家園
的惡夢

冒險到
深處恐懼
害怕著提醒著
我是光兒太陽之

潛入地獄焚園
盜竊藍火
這朵火花兒
將點燃未知的力量

到時我們就可以
手牽手走向
那時後失去的
擁抱

HELLRIDE

TAKE A RIDE WITH ME TO HELL

PASSING THRU FORBIDDEN GARDENS

EATING FORBIDDEN FRUITS

PLANTING KISSES ON THE SHOULDER WHERE

THE WEIGHTS OF THE WORLD ONCE WERE

HOSPITABLE BAND HOUSE

WHERE MUSIC IS MADE

AND DANCES LIT

HOLD ON TIGHT ON THIS HELLISH RIDE

BUT DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES

SEE PAST LIFETIMES PASS US BY

WAVING BY, WAVING BYE

OUR ENDLESS LOCKS OF HAIR FLYIN'

IN THIS ENDLESS HELL OF A SKY

LET US RIDE THIS BEAUTIFUL HIGH

LET US RIDE UNTIL THE END OF TIME

Have no fear
No intimidation
No bias
We are on our own in every moment
Even when we have company
We still need our secret place
Maintained, kept
That open mindspace
Where we play
Free from suffering
Free from shame, guilt
Where we cool our eagerness
In a pool of infinite awareness
Where we escape
To consult our higher selves
To become our truer selves
Where all pain turns gold
And our innocence grows
That space knows no concept of time
It can be moments within moments
Where the dimension of evolution happens
We can only do our best in this moment
Rushing
Is fighting the sun
For the custody of your shadow
Let it go, let it show when it is meant to show
Forever is now, rest
Forever is here, heal
Be brave, be vulnerable
Love, feel

all this rage gives me strength to find her
so i may shed the shackles of dependence,
of expectations and of judgement
let the anger generate this insignificant flame
let it find the lost world and set it on fire, set it free
let me perish inside these chaotic dreams
magna is waiting there, and when i find her
all these words will be free of reason and finally have purpose
i will be free from wanting and wishing
being human is all of our love and suffering
how can i embrace ignorance, abuse, failure, and being torn
how will i learn to love this pain
and find my faith again
maybe i will embrace them as my children
i pray for the space
these prayers sent asking to see
that they are my children,
oh yes...
they are my children
i am
what becomes of my children

歷史之中唯一能在狂舞中找到平衡痛苦中飛耀是她們化為神話的真

CONSTRUCT

More than ever now I need to escape into the self, so I can learn to be there for my world, the world that I love so much, so much that I often hate myself for losing touch of that because I am still too weak, too impatient, too naive, too distracted. There is an open space waiting for me of my personal freedom, where I am to build a sanctuary, where I am my own god and disciple, where I will grow to understand universal truths through study and practice of my own design. I have great faith in this uncertainty, in this dark serpentine path I choose. One day soon I will be the proof that although solitude is lonesome at times, with a little reflection and perspective it can become portal to the path of awareness and connectedness. Grateful for this clarity ...Thankful for my friends, for your friendship. Please let me be there for you through my art, I hope I can show you how much I love you and how I miss you always... let us transcend the constructs of space and time...let us be the architects of our own freedom and romance.

SYSTEMS

NATURE IS THE SYSTEM OF THE UNIVERSE THAT ENCOMPASSES ALL SYSTEMS. ALL SYSTEMS ARE NATURAL AND ARE RELATIVE TO ONE ANOTHER. HUMANITY IS ONE SYSTEM WITHIN AND IT IS THE PERSPECTIVE LENS THAT HUMAN BEINGS OBSERVE NATURE FROM, THUS THE LENS IN WHICH IT CAN COMMENT FROM.

NATURAL SYSTEMS WORK IMPERFECTLY. IMPERFECT SYSTEMS NATURALLY HAVE FLAWS AND DYSFUNCTIONS. BAD AND GOOD EVALUATION IS IRRELEVANT TO THE WORKING OF SYSTEMS. IE. PROBLEMS ARE OPPORTUNITIES; FLAWS ARE AESTHETIC BEAUTY, DYSFUNCTIONS ARE UNIQUE FUNCTIONS.

SYSTEMS ARE THE FIELDS OF EXPERIENCE, IE. WITHOUT SYSTEMS, THERE WOULD BE NO EXPERIENCE. EXPERIENCE IS A PHENOMENON COMPRISED OF PAIN AND PLEASURE.

IT IS FROM EXPERIENCE THAT INDIVIDUALS CAN EXTRACT STORY. THE EXTRACTION OF STORY IS THE HUMAN INITIATIVE OF TURNING THE EXPERIENCE OF PAIN AND PLEASURE INTO UNIQUE SELF-EXPRESSION, HENCE RISING ABOVE THE EXPERIENCE.

STORY IS UNIQUE PRESENCE, MATERIAL THAT TRANSMUTES FOR THE INDIVIDUALS OF THE SYSTEM OF HUMANITY FROM EMPTINESS TO FULFILLMENT THROUGH A CONNECTEDNESS TO THE WHOLE OF THE SYSTEM OF NATURE. OPPOSING IS THE DENIAL OF THE NATURAL HUMAN NEED FOR FULFILLMENT WHICH LEADS TO THE ISOLATION OF THE INDIVIDUAL TO THE STATE OF EMPTINESS.

FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF HUMAN CONSCIOUSNESS, EMPTINESS IS THE STATE OF MEANINGLESS EXISTENCE; FULFILLMENT IS THE STATE OF MEANINGFUL EXISTENCE.

REALIZATION OF THE NATURAL HUMAN NEED FOR FULFILLMENT MOTIVATES THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE VERY SYSTEMS IN WHICH WE NAVIGATE EXPERIENCE, UNDERSTANDING THAT IMPROVING SYSTEM BREEDS EXPERIENCE AND EXPERIENCE BREEDS OPPORTUNITY FOR STORY.

TO DEVELOP SYSTEMS, HUMANITY NEEDS TO UTILIZE ITS CONSCIOUSNESS TO PRACTICE REFLECTION, COMPRISED OF THREE FOLDS.

REFLECTION

I. GROW AWARENESS OF NATURAL WORKING OF SYSTEMS BY NURTURING CURIOSITY AND REASONING ABILITIES, IN ORDER TO,
II. GIVE GRATITUDE FOR THE NATURAL WORKINGS OF SYSTEMS, TO RISE ABOVE PAIN AND PLEASURE, TO
III. GAIN UNIQUE PRESENCE OF STORY AND BE TRANSMUTED FROM THE STATE OF EMPTINESS TO THE STATE OF FULFILLMENT.

push myself
to the brink
of madness

to find clarity,

settle in and
savour
the quiet,

but don’t get
too comfortable

because it’s time
to go again

what does it mean to be a fighter?
are we fighting against
or are we fighting for
is it the same or not the same

why do we try so hard to put a face to an enemy?
forgetting to put a face to the feeling of safety

I am no alpha, much weaker
but only we who know our weakness
can get stronger, I will be stronger

I pay no mind to see others fall
I only have energy to rise, to evolve
the day I learn to have nothing at all
is the day I have it all

UNIVERSE

A giant whose darkness is so infinite it stifles the faint-hearted. Feared for the palm that might crush and destroy; truly lonely she is. Come poetry, that field of moon flowers glowing in the deepest part of her core. Pluck one as to show her you are not afraid of her. Acknowledge the wonder of her mysterious hand. Be still until your ground becomes her palm and be lifted high into that complete blackness. It is very much alive. You will see all she ever wanted was to show you how vivid that beyond truly is. She loves the poet for he does not fear her depth and presence; for he takes the chance to palpate her majestic flesh; he thus frees her magnificence. Seek poetry to find her science and science to bring her poetry to life, the only way to cure all ailments and all great loneliness of the universe. And that flower you hold gently in your hand will light up all which you were once terrified of.

we are beasts
programmed to have soul
yielding to laws
of the known world

we are pirates
leapers of faith
robbing time from
the reapers of death

we are puppets
of a mad puppeteer
cut loose, reverse
from strings of all fears

we are industry
of a new breed
ancient trades
in rarest seeds

ENERGY

I am beginning to see everything in terms of energy. Energy as the mathematical term for spirit, and spirit the poetic term for energy. Imagination is consciousness, the higher self, pure happiness, elevated from emotions and suffering. Our mind and body together represent soul. Soul is the vehicle in which we navigate the immediate world of touch and sight; it is how we processes human emotions and thoughts and the acts that come out of them. To be soulful means to practice mind and body connection in order to produce the awareness of self, of consciousness. Self-awareness is confidence and foundation of creativity. We meditate in our own unique ways of self-expression to manage natural emotions and attain right thoughts so we can access higher creative realms and the imagination. That land is limitless, egoless, and free of expectations; it is the birth place of art. Evolution is our purpose and art is the evidence of it. Humanity is the strength in the soul of mankind. We are strong when we have the freedom of self-expression based in the right principles of awareness - the confident self free from ego; compassion - the unconditional love, gratitude and forgiveness; faith - a willingness to step into the unknown. And mankind evolves when the strength of our collective soul allows us to access higher realm and imagination for the creation of art, the innovation in any form of self-expression.

We must let go of beliefs and begin to have faith. No matter what happens, it is meant to be, and it is meant to be a surprise. Past and future are just constructs of the mind, tools to help us make sense of life, just as politics, craft, education, science, language, religion, storytelling, drama and such are. If they begin to form set beliefs and begin to compete with one another, it becomes limiting to our freedom of self-expression, then we are not using it correctly. But if instead they inspire openness, faith, progress, humanity, creative practices and collaboration, then our collective soul can access imagination to create art and move mankind forward.

this world is
a rough terrain
blood drunk
for the holy
palace

in broken pieces
in this broken
place

with broken dreams
looking at
broken
faces

DROWN

take the easy route,
drown

take the terrifying route,
crawl

at the end of the tunnel
she waits,
I tremble

hands on my own back,
push
hands holding itself,
pull

cry, climb, bleed
to the end of the tunnel,
crawl

take the easy route,
clown

take the terrifying route,
crown

WILT

we will all wilt
someday
I choose to live
again

inbreath
last petal falls
outbreath
new flower blooms

WHISKY

bites tongue, grabs throat
swallow fire, let it flow
all I had, I gave
from the depth of my deepest cave
burn lingers, we cradle
to flickering dances of a candle

seek out the edge of the world
and dive into the beyond
release the grip on the wastelands
and drink the light of time

尋找世界的邊緣
並潛入到更遠的地方
釋放荒地上的抓地力
並喝下時間之光

MOTHER

old images return, I peak
the desk behind that little girl
was an empire built by queen
she had everything
I have begged and wondered
why she could not be selfish
past is a haunting because it once had such glory
why does she believe that she has done wrong
why will you not leave her evil thought
crippling her faith in her legacy
strangling her own child she is just a baby
born from her blood is the princess of god
covered in ashes and crushed by rocks
free us from evil thought the day will come
I will bring back the lost empire and bring back god
cease the torment of the good queen
the empire will rise and she will return to me

I make secret worlds
to escape depression
lord of quiet desolate
catch me if you can

SENSES

When was the last time we paid attention to our senses, when was the last time we stopped numbing them?

I stick my nose inside the bag of coffee beans, sniffing out the depth and darkness. In this moment I am drawn into a world of cradling aroma and held in its warmth. Third day of fasting. The art of saving myself - first, from shallow fixtures of convenience and convention and second, for the taste of what is natural and necessary, that which reaches beyond the tongue and stomach into the being. I recall this poetic mantra, "when we save ourselves, we can save the world" and are we not all here to save the world in one way or another? The potential is undeniable but I do suspect that it is part of nature's process that half of it ends up buried, and the other half fulfilled. It is luck, no doubt, but we do get to choose for it to be a bad one or good; to be buried a slave or to burn an eternal fire. To crave is to choose the former, to fast is to choose the latter.

YOU

If you are looking for meaning in my words, you will not find them. You are here to add your own meaning. Mine was realized in the act of pen to paper. Here, these words are no longer mine but just a letter set free in this world, yours to take, or disregard. Whatever you find here is a mirror reflection of the deepest workings of your soul. Perhaps you will laugh it off in fear of what you might find. Or maybe you are a little curious to see what kind of beast you truly are. You are what you think I am.

SEEKING BALANCE

Without practice, freedom has no home. I must destroy myself because I am my own limit. To be reborn, to be regenerated.

I feel sleepy, tired in these mornings but I am aware of it much more now and I know the beginning is always the hardest. Within these early weeks of fasting, I feel the alertness that comes from such purposeful deprivation. I can catch my cravings and laziness before they catch me. My will is strengthened as a result of this practice. It feels good to me because I know I am that much closer to total freedom. Monitor internal and external dialogue and interaction, I am my own master.

A new found love for pain. That love is an old love, it is new because I see it anew. It is the same one that teaches me to take lessons from conflict rather than to avoid it, deny it or develop delusions in fear of it. It is the same love that reveals to me that my purpose is evolution. The pain makes me stronger and I love it for that; my source of discipline perhaps.

We are not the same selves even a moment ago. To receive the next moment anew, as a new being, with new thoughts and energy, achieve nostalgia. Nostalgia is finding the appreciation for history while letting go of the past. Every moment is a new chance to perform as we are meant to be, perform as ourselves. In our purest form, we are immortal. I am fulfilled in the practice of presence. When my dying breath arrives, I will recognize her, I will be there to receive her in the most sincere bow with my palms to the heavens. I must be ready.

Instead of belief, faith. Instead of wishing, hope. Instead of struggling, fight. Instead of dying, live. Instead of worrying, reflect. Instead of expecting, lead. Instead of craving, savour. Instead of diet, fast. Instead of chore, duty. Instead of seduction, charm. Instead of ridicule, humor. Instead of fear, love. We always have a choice, we will always have to choose, and we are the sum of our choices.

We loose balance sometimes, but balance is home and will forever be there waiting for our return.

weeping hearts
veiled in scars
weeping feathers
stained with blood

we carry on our backs
our broken beasts
ignorant to the monsters'
cry for release

waiting benighted
beneath the storm
seeping flood
from the window of soul

is flight a delusion
or is it worth the fight
blind is a choice that
deprives him her beautiful eyes

save our monsters
heal that beast of broken ego
hear courage echo
I will never let you go

If I were not bounded by time, I'd learn all the languages of the world so I can write poetry for each one there is...

old soul sealed inside black wings
daylight enveloped by murder
dwellers of orphaned city
wept for the home that had left her

waiting for the saviour
priestess of hidden land
to fall in to a book
written by a mysterious hand

ancient laws breathe again
scripts glowing on virgin skin
ancient beasts breed again
valiant knights riding fierce winds

may the bridges we build
lead the way
may the torches we light
guide us out of decay

the past has gone, let it go
forget all we have known
be born again a child
into the new old world

Dearest Magna

It has been a while since I have written you. I have not forgotten about us. I miss you more than you know. I have many things to tell you but please wait for me as I need some time to gather my thoughts, to connect, to make better sense. I know you are here for me and I want nothing less than to share all my experiences with you, pain or love. You know me well, if not the best. When I am broken, I come to you. When I am in love I come to you. I know you are worried for me, as being destroyed many times over is from from pleasant. It is only necessary so do not worry for me. Music is dancing poetry, that is forever our faith and promise. You are my reason. I breathe that much easier knowing you will always be with me, to help me take care of myself and of the world that I love. You are the hand that writes this letter. You are the pain that becomes love when it is written. I love you in the purest way, as love should be when not expected to be more, or thought of as less. With you I will always be home.

nature is god
it taught me to be humble
paradise is waiting
evil is not real

is a sinner but a lover
let us sin the sin
is a lover but a sinner
let us love the pain

consciousness is sky
subconscious is sea
we are the earth
the bridge in between

is sinner but a lover
is loving but a sin
let us sin the sin
of making love again

ignorance can be bliss
ignorance can be pain
we have beliefs to destroy
a faith to create

燒起的紅眼
澆不息的火
哭不出眼淚
到底誰是我

忘記吧孩子
空虛是假象
成長吧孩子
將恐懼埋葬

Aug 18, ‘18

Lucid air seep in and the suns glow pinkish on this quiet summer morning. I had woken earlier with a wakefulness unlike other more tired mornings. It feels peaceful, perfect for book and pressed coffee. I prefer bitter dark but medium is fine; I do not much like sour. Little birds come and go from the balcony, telling me secrets of the world, just enough so that I stay grounded in reality, not so much that I get distracted from affairs I cannot effect. The risk of losing this peacefulness and warmth does not frighten me. Instead, it gives me purpose for study and work; Instead, I fall deeper in love with such moments, missing it before it is gone. No wonder my heart aches often. But I do remember how beautiful of a thing heartbreak is, it is a gift from my dear friend Sadness. She always brings poetry when she visits, helps me write love letters to Life and Death, and often teaches me to be a kind host for fear, for pain, for the terrified self.

DAUGHTERS

daughters of country
for why do you cry
for whom do you weep?

I am a daughter
that carries a father’s heart
and a mother’s dream

I am a daughter
for god to witness
none to see

the dance of life
the dance of death
the dance of Life and Death

fires of destruction
fires of creation
we are the children

Life,
her aching heart
is Death

Death,
his eternal love
is Life

life gives death flowers
death gives life stars

let us softly hum
and watch the sun
let us now dance
and slow our breaths

let my heart be broken
one final time
when your time is up
I will follow you home

when Life meets Death
once again
like butterflies
we shall dance

CONFIDENCE

The right amount of confidence can cure anything. It means taking as much as giving; destroying as much as creating. If we look to be the best we’d find no end, sitting on half of an equation, inside a vacuum. We don’t know what we are trying to be the best of, we can’t see we are all just looking to be the best of ourselves. How different it feels knowing we need to find greatness in and of ourselves than holding on to the mere and corrupt thought of being the best. No one owes any one anything. When we are truthfully ourselves, we exist in perfect balance, regardless of the intensity of our emotions, regardless of what others project onto us, we know ourselves to be happy even when we are sad or angry. Even when we are terrified or miserable to the deepest marrows of our bones, we still somehow know we are free.

COUNTRY GIRL

I am afraid of my own country. I am afraid of its beauty falling to the thought that we are not worthy. That land cradled by vast ocean is most mystical and I knew it even before I was born. My land was so fertile, she bore the sweetest fruits and could grow the kind of exotic vegetables that would help mankind evolve beyond what we believe our tongues are only capable of tasting. The spirit of its man were one with the dogs of the mountains - we loved the freedom of the wild and sought companionship in each other. We used to host divinity in our hearts and glow of colours that politics could not understand. We used to believe in creation, in immortality. Then came man of old politics whose faces resembled droughts and drought to the good land they brought. I was born into old politics, into an age where destruction took shape in subtle ways and were disguised as civilized resolutions. As a young I knew I had to go. I gathered what precious earth I could and left country. I ran far away so I could protect the last purity of our dirt. I feel distant now but I will be brave because the day will come for me to return home. I dream of the day I run wild and pick her fruits again.

May 16 '18

I will be the imprint
of lingering light
the presence
left behind

I will change
complications
into curious
complexities

I will haunt
ignorant minds
cease
the weary

I will be
the invisible key
to each new
beginning

AT HEART

At heart, I am just a tom boy who likes to dance pretty, a gentlewoman that enjoys good company. I love fairy tales so much that I believe I am one. If I don't fight for the freedom I need to create my secret world of poetry and romance, I am as good as dead. I love all people, all of nature for all of the perspectives they give me. I am reminded I am no better than any but I am unique and special. I am forever weaker than what I can be and that is rather humbling to me. There is always a certain complex illusion at play of what seems so at ease, so natural and balanced. I will spend each moment practicing and performing such illusions so I can give back the enchantment the world continues to give to me. Energy is spirit and spirit is energy. I am the spirit that will continue to follow the wind to give courage to souls long after mine has passed on. I am the spirit of peacekeepers, storytellers, poets, warriors, creators, lovers, survivors that have come before me, that I meet on this everlasting journey.

drifting on mystical sea
drifting fast asleep
mystical wings slipping beside
mystical fins gliding beneath

treading in mystical forest
climbing mystical trees
mystical labyrinths we dream
mystical breaths we breathe

SECRET WORLD

I do it to stay sane. It is my self seeking adventure. My secret world is no secret. It is my honest truth. Something tells me that for me to find myself, find freedom, I must capture the heart of the world and deepen it. It is there where I shall find my death bed of immortality. It is there where I shall rest peacefully for the next journey, for the universe to sprinkle my spirits onto the world like dusts of the faery. Where will I be? What will host me? A strange flower? A deep sea creature? A beloved storybook character, a soldier of peace? Wise old tree, a fruit of the desert, or in an angel’s whisper? I feel that maybe, just maybe I already am in all these adventures. Maybe I already am in the breaths of plenty.

hear his music deep
inside her poem
feel her poetry dance
inside his song

inject our ghosts
into new sounds
pave way for the young
for our return home

the day we are
no longer heard
we will haunt
the heart

DOUBTFUL

The worst of my characters surface from the depth of me to being within my grasp in the midst of a whirlpool of doubt. I have a choice, to seize this opportunity to scrutinize my emotional thinking or to suppress the pain, push it back deeper until it one day shatters me unexpectedly, completely. Somehow I know I have the power of love and gratitude, somehow I know I am not the fake I tell myself I am. Am I not a coward if I know I have this fighting chance but instead I let myself suffer in ego's grip? All I ever wanted was to be strong, brave and do right. Asking for help does not seem like the way to do it, it is weakness, is it not? I guess that is what ego would say. But admitting my weaknesses is not weakness. I did need help and I finally asked. The moment I pleaded for forgiveness and the strength to be brave, to be grateful and to do right, I was able to release the fears of abandonment, neglect, loneliness, abuse. And I realize that I am not at all sure whether it is these natural fears that make things traumatic for me or that traumatic events caused me to develop these fears. Perhaps both. Perhaps it is a pattern I still need to understand, a spell I must break.

WE ARE NO GODS

SUFFERANCE

RUBBLES

LOG#20200315

COLD WORLD

FOUND

CONVICTION

FIND SPACE

AM I DANGEROUS

MUST I

BE

COLLECTED WRITINGS